Heartache

How is it that those we love most deeply, who even share DNA with us, can cut us the deepest? I learned the hard way a long time ago that people come into your lives for a season. Someone I love has chosen to walk away from our family. It hurts me that this person is hurting not only me but all my family members as well. I know the mistake is huge and yet there is nothing I can do in my power to stop it. At times I want to yell and others simply cry. I long for connection and when I reach for it, I am iced out. I thought family was forever- isn't that what all the cards say? My guess is that after some time has passed this person will come back like the prodigal who lost his way. But what about all the things in between the departure and the homecoming? Moments my son is having he will never have again. Memories being made without that person's presence. Can you get over a cut this deep? Is it possible to close a chapter on a loved one and move on? I don't think so. I think my only option is that of the prodigal son's father. Pray every day for the homecoming and when it happens stretch out my arms in a welcoming embrace.

My new normal

Being a mother has changed me from the inside out, literally. Ten full months of anticipation culminated with a hearty cry from within the operating room at Cox hospital. Noah was born emergency cesarean because of his dropping heart rate. His head was positioned on top of my pelvic bone and labor was causing him distress. To God be all the glory, my son came out perfectly healthy. As a bonus, he is also incredibly handsome with a full head of hair (even on his ears), such a manly man. His arrival has literally turned our worlds upside down. I sleep less, a lot less. Travel anywhere feels like packing for a two week vacation. Things I thought were easy before, like taking a shower or cooking dinner, have now become quite a task. But I also smile more, a lot more. And I would rather be home rocking my baby than on any other adventure out there. His mere presence delights me. This wonder boy is all mine and when he smiles, I am enchanted. He knows my voice. He turns his head to watch me from across the room. He feels safe enough to fall asleep in my arms. I am in awe of him and the gift that he is. I am humbled to be his mom. Most days I am covered in spit up and drool and I am so thankful for the reason why. My new normal is a constant state of awe. I am in awe of all the ways Noah is growing and learning. I am in awe that my Maker would choose me to be his mother. I am in awe of how much my God must delight in my presence too. After all, I am His little girl.

Having a baby!

May 2000, I was facing high school graduation and creating my self-made time line for the future. Let's see, first on the list move out , right -away , make that 2 years later. Graduate college by 2005 , make that 2007. Get married by the time I am 22, actually 26. Have a baby by the time I am 25, make that 29. As you can see my plans, have never been on God's timeline. His way was longer, much longer, and better, yes much, much better. My little girl dreams of having a baby are finally coming to fruition. I remember praying last summer that the Lord would allow us to conceive a child, if it was His will. I was skeptical as I prayed because I knew that the Lord rarely gives me things in the timing I ask him for them. But in July, he answered our prayers exactly how we prayed them. He gave us a little boy due April 18. All life comes from the Father and so as I carry this child I know that God has a bigger purpose for this life than even I can see. It is a very humbling experience to carry a child. Humbling, because that little life, still in the womb, represents hope for so many grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends. Humbling because as much as I love him and worry about him, I know my love is unmatched by how Jesus loves this child. As I sit here awed by a Creator who does all these things so miraculously, I cannot help but cry. He has allowed me to be a mother, and I am unworthy. My husband and I really only desire two things for this little guy, one that he love God with all his heart. And two, that he love others. With 4 weeks left we cannot wait to see his face and start this journey. I think the moment I hold him I will finally understand just a little bit more how much God loves me.

What I'm Learning

I just finished reading Desire by John Eldrige. The concept is simple and yet deeply profound, the desires of your heart reflect your truest self. Jesus came to meet those desires. He appealed to desire "whoever is thirsty come and drink". What we long for, is at it's core, heaven. We desire to be known, Revelation says "we shall know as we are known". Eldrige describes it as multiple intimacies without affair. In heaven, we will be intimately known and intimately know lots of people. Mind blowing thought for me! We long to do what we were created to do. Eldrige describes Christ's millennial reign as each of us, doing what we were created to do, flawlessly, without the presence of sin. If you love to dance, you will dance flawlessly. If you love to write, or teach, or build, you will do what you were created to do in the millennial reign. Perfect intimacy, perfect purpose, perfect, love all encompassed in one through our eternal home in heaven. All this made possible because "For God so love the world, that he gave his one and only begotten son." Praise you Father! I am learning, that what I long for most is heaven. You see we are eternal creatures, this life, the here and now, this is the dress rehearsal. For life, as we long for it, will truly begin when we enter into eternity. In the waiting, it's more of God's heart and more of God's presence I seek. For when I am with Him, I get a taste of heaven, and every time it leaves me wanting more. Through trial I have learned that God is and always will be in control. That God meets the needs of His children. That I am radically loved by the Creator of all the universe, He knows my name, He cares about my need. He is my truest desire. Everything else, is a cheap imitation.

The act of worship

I am pretty sure my Jesus was in on my workout session today. I had no special lighting or ambience. In fact, all I really had was a praise CD, an open heart, and a willingness to obey. "It is rising up, all around, it's the anthem of the Lord's renown" the earth truly is full of His glory. I realized that it was up to me whether or not I choose to enter into it. Our God is holy and He is a jealous lover. He will not be reduced to second thought, second place, or even second on the to-do list. There I stood in my living room doing all sorts of aerobic excersizes, and adding lunges (where one would not think an added lunge would be necessary). As I excersized, I sang loud, I sang off key, and I sang from my heart. It was 5:00 in the evening, I had worked all day and quite honestly thought of my God very little up until that point. But it was there, in my living room, admist the songs, that my heart began to worship and every thought became captive to His praises. Perspective began to change. "Beautiful Jesus, how may I bless your heart?" was beginning to sound radically different from the prayers I prayed yesterday. It was in my living room I realized that all I do should really be an act of worship. When I wash those pots and pans as an act of humility (without my usual grumpy attitude) to serve my family, I am giving glory to my Maker. And if for more than just an evening, I would awake to the thought of how I could bless my beautiful Jesus, my life would in turn become, an act of worship.

Biggest Loser Rogersville Edition

The Ugly Truth... I have gained about a few pounds each year for the last seven years. This gradual progression has led to my 40 pound weight gain. I have excersized sporaticly and popcorn dieted over the years with little success. Actually, let's be brutally honest, NO success. 10 days ago, I began my Biggest Loser workouts with the Wii. I have done 30 minutes a day with some exciting results. After a week of faithfully working out, I have lost 4 pounds! Now 4 pounds may not seem monumental, but it is to me. In my 28 years gracing planet earth, I have never intentionally lost weight. Success! This is the beginning of a new chapter of my life. One that has me eating healthier and excersing regularly. First and foremost, because I only have one body. This one body is all I have to serve God and love people with. If I abuse it, there is no second chance. Secondly, I am tired of buying new jeans. For once, I want to simply need new clothes because the current ones are just too big! Right now my goal is 2 pounds a week. If I am successful, I will be at my healthy goal weight by July. Even if the weight doesn't come off that quickly I am committing to continue trying until it does. This journey is both physical, spritual and emotional and I will need all the support I can get. One tip I have learned so far, if you are craving chocolate, fat-free chocolate pudding only has 80 calories and tastes wonderful. Another tip I have learned is to drink flavored unsweetened tea. Not only does tea have 0 calories but green and black teas are full of anti-oxidents. So, flavored teas can be good for the waist and for your health. Enjoy your day!

Summer

So far I have had a wonderful summer. The kind of summer that a girl could only hope for. In my pessimism, I thought 3 months off would be long and boring. Not so, my friend, not so. I started teaching summer school for a month. I did a unit on Mexico, we made pinatas, cupcakes, ojo de jios, paper piercings, ... you name it we crafted it, danced it, or tried it. We took field trips, and my favorite trip every year is the aquatic center. This year was more special because I got in the water and splashed around too, it was fun to just play again. I also rock climbed with the support of a 7 year old chanting "You can do it, don't quit" repeatedly as I climbed. Not necessarily a huge feat in an of itself, but it was for me. You see, I never, I repeat never have reached the top before rock climbing. So this was a feat, and my little cheerleader really did help keep me from quitting. My brother and his 3 toddlers came for a week, which was great. We went to Fantastic Caverns, a ride through cave, and I babysat the 3 wee ones for a couple days while mom and dad got away. My nephews and niece are 4, 3 and 2... ya (self explanatory). Loved seeing family in town. Also, we bought a house early May and have remodeled the guest bedroom and are in process of the bathroom remodel. I have enjoyed hanging out with my girlfriends and a weekend getaway with my husband. God has been good to me this summer, really good.